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| ...Let's make this last forever!
Finally! A hole in the firewall! I wonder how long this golden opportunity will last. But if I learned anything this year, it's carpe diem! Seize the day! So here goes.
Dang, not blogging for 2 years - wow! - really makes you rusty. haha well I can't say xanga missed me much, either. Let's see.. my birthday is in 2 days! My birthday is like New Year's to me. No kidding! I keep thinking that, I want this year to be better. I want me to be better. And then when the day passes unceremoniously, sans pomp and circumstance, I'm kind of disappointed. I know it's a little childish for me to be so giddy over a birthday, running through the house pleading for attention like a neglected pet, but hey! - it's my day, right? Right? I keep thinking ''Wow, this was the day I was born"... and deep down, hoping someone's thinking about that, too. And hopefully, celebrating! Like hey, I'm happy she was brought into my life. One thing about me, I kind of draw my worth from other people. I know that just sounds insecure, but I don't think that taking your own word for it is a good justification for anything. I keep thinking, there are so many people out there, thinking they're so right....
...when they're so wrong. And I'd just hate to be one of those people.
Anyhow, Appreciation! The key word, fellas. Pay it forward! It's one of the best feelings in the world. Especially for you men shackled by the balls and chains of love - women love being appreciated! Right right? (Amen, ladies!) And coming from my slapdash experience - 9 months, oh wow! It's not a very long time, but somehow I count the 5 years or so chasing him down...it makes me feel so old! Like Captain Ahab and his Moby Dick! the latter half of the name (ahem!) ironically appropriate in this case, but not in a sexual way! You and your dirty minds! - it doesn't come very often. I know there are days when he thinks of me and grunts an indifferent "meh", to which I respond in kind by wanting to kick him in the --
well, you know. =]
haha that's an awkward line to end a blog, but I'll leave it at that for today! 1:10 am, after all.
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| Somewhere Only We Know sentimental video
Life is just a chain of memories, isn't it? I want to devote my time to making memories this year, so I can satisfy myself with the thought that my life has been worthwhile. That I hadn't wasted my time on earth merely "existing", but living, and thriving. And I want to love freely, and ardently, without thinking about the consequences. If I mourn later, well... it just shows that I had something worth mourning over. There is some obscure comfort in heartache-- your heart crying over something it lost, which proves that it had something to cherish in the first place. [In which case, is there something deep inside of us unconsciously crying tears of joy?] I want to stop thinking. Just live. And love. And if in the end I cry, so be it. Better than cradling an empty heart. ^-^
Stacy-chan was right! The August skies are so empty. I miss watching the clouds drift, which is somewhat childish, but there was a simple beauty in that pleasure that I appreciated. | | |
| You say you wander your own land
But when I think about it
I don't see how you can
You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing
And I don't know why
So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing and I don't feel the same
(instrumental)
You're gone from here
Soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light
'cause everybody's changing
And I don't feel right
So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing and I don't feel the same
(solo)
So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing and I don't feel the same
>> Oh, how I adore Keane! This song depicts how I felt this year, growing up. Amidst all the chaos and confusion inside and around you, everyone’s going through the same. It’s almost as if you can feel the earth shifting underneath you, as you tremble in sync, a little more fragile and insecure than you last remember. Because the world is running too fast, and we’re just trying to keep up, leaving us all feeling a little more or less displaced…because we’re all feeling a little left behind, and are trying our best to find our place and where we fit in this intricate puzzle of a world. You’re wondering how you got from there to here so suddenly, and try to hold on to that sense of security you remember falling asleep to before waking up in this fray, with the velocity and momentum of all this “change” creating such friction and distance. But in our heads, everyone’s ultimately singing the same song: “Everybody’s changing, and I don’t feel the same…”
And yes, I really don’t feel the same. ^-^ But I can’t say that’s such a bad thing.
“Trying to make a move just to stay in the game…I try to stay awake and remember my name…”
Oh yes, definitely. =)
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| Okay, so who here hasn’t had the infamous “back-to-school” nightmare? [Say “Iiiii”! hehe] Boy, what a classic! It was enough to wake my nocturnal self at 5 am, anyway!
But honestly, it left my heart pounding. As if I hadn’t felt that I had wasted my summer before? Sheesh! I arrived to school late, completely unprepared due to severe lack of back-to-school shopping, forgot to pick up my schedule and had no idea where any of my classes were! I was mortified! And to top it all off, I was a mess! I woke up in shock with my mind screaming, “Good god! What day is it?”
And to realize that it’s July 20th wasn’t so…relieving. I was in “summer’s slipping away!!!!” panic the whole day! So I called my mom and…panicked, since I don’t feel any more rested or relaxed than from before summer started. I remember trudging through world history notes sighing, “I desperately need a break,” and now I feel that I’ve wasted mine! It’s not like you can wake up on September 5th, and tell yourself “Okay, buddy, just hang in there for another ten months!” >_<
Honestly though…it’s not that I think school is really that bad, I actually have an ardent passion for learning. [I even started reading the dictionary in my efforts to hinder this imminent aphasia, and learned a good 117 new words in the “A” section alone!] But all the work is just so stressful. And what scares me is the thought that I’ll crack under the pressure and just give up and drop out of IB, since I know I haven’t handled this year very well at all. I’m determined, but I get easily disheartened. But Stacy-chan has been such an amazingly wonderful friend to me this year, and I don’t know what I would have done without her! I can’t thank her enough. She was so immensely supportive and understanding, she was the only person I could really talk to and not worry about how she’d react. Thank you, Stacy-chan, for all that unconditional loving! Goodness, I wish I could be more like her! I’m so proud of her! ^-^
And my mom is understanding, too. After all that fretting via telephone over summer nearly being over and myself feeling so unsatisfied—Wow, I feel really bad for wasting half-an-hour of her work time!—she agreed to taking me to a craft store so that I could find a project to do. [I stay home all day and am expected to fulfill my house duties which include cleaning most of the rooms, which are often in incredible disarray, in the house and babysitting my 4 younger siblings 24/7, and though I like this feeling of responsibility…my days felt so empty.] My mom knew that I had always wanted to paint, but the babies would always interfere…so she agreed that I could “kiddy-paint” with them. So you can imagine me all smiles as I rave through Michael’s Arts & Crafts like a toddler let loose in a candy store, thoroughly excited at the myriad of possibilities!
We bought a tiny set of acrylic paints, which can paint wood and porcelain, and I kept exclaiming: Ohh, I can paint cups! And that box! And a stool! And that shelf!
So after much laughing and shaking of heads, we finally settled on tiny wood carvings of animals ranging from giraffes to elephants, since they were incredibly cheap. So I am now the proud owner of a mini version of Noah’s Ark which is currently stashed in my closet, and can hardly wait til I have the chance to sick my creativity on them!
Thanks, Mom. =P
So if you would like a personally painted pig, cow, elephant, duck, giraffe, reindeer, moose, etc...look no further! hehe ^_^ soo happy.
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| Summer feels like sand.
The calendar becomes an hourglass, with precious days trickling down into darkness, forever lost from your reach. And you watch aghast, because seeing your time lost is an unsettling experience. You can't catch the beads, so you stare in horror with your face pressed tightly against the glass, your breath clouding misty fog as you dread the end to come, rather than savor the hour.
Sand.
It feels light and almost soft when cradled loosely in your hand, though it vies to escape you. But when you tighten your grasp, the touch grows coarse and hard against your skin.
Hours are drawn out and empty. Minutes are pillars of unproductivity.
Trying so hard to hold on to something, savor it, can be a pain in itself.
Losing time is an anxiety. Maybe it's something best ignored. Maybe sometimes details are best appreciated from a distance, viewed through hazy seaglass rather than a microscope. Searching for something to treasure, but returning empty-handed...just emphasizes the emptiness.
Irony is bitter. It tastes like sand.
I don't want to watch time trickle down any longer. Break this anxious fixation.
But when it's gone, it's gone.
We're marked men [Jack Sparrowwwww...!] . September 5th cries the apocalypse.
* I thought solitude was something of an acquired taste. Distance can be appreciated. But no matter how many sketches I produce, words I learn, rooms I clean, images I photoshop.... this type of "productivity" is rather unsatisfying. Paper burns, dishes rot, words are forgotten, rooms fall into disarray....and the days are still empty. Maybe "me" isn't enough, but "me" is too tired to find "them". So make the effort and risk returning empty-handed or sleep the days away? Either way, the next day the last is gone.
...And creating faux memories of course makes you a loser!
Anomy can be overwhelming.
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